I said to you, "Have no dread or fear of them."
Deuteronomy 1:29
Awhile ago I was driving on one of the highways here in Phoenix, when the van in front of me was cut-off by a large truck attempting to merge out of it's lane. As I slammed on my brakes, the van spun across the lanes of pavement and eventually came to a stop. Other drivers and I began corralling our vehicles to merge traffic away from the accident. No sooner had I put my car in park, did I jump out to join others in helping. One woman called 9-1-1 from her cell phone, while myself and another gentleman ran towards the van: he to the driver, and myself to open the door of the van to see who was inside.
As I opened the door of the damaged van, a young girl, around four or five was in a car-seat, strapped in tight. She lifted her blue eyes toward me, enlarged with fear and insecurity at the stranger who was reaching for her seat. Clenched in her hands was a stuffed animal, tears were rolling down her face. I saw other drivers had stopped and I called for another gentleman to help me get her out of the van, we all smelled fuel. Myself and another young woman who had stopped carried her over to the side of the road while the paramedics and police finally arrived on scene and tended to her mother. We kept talking to her, trying to keep her entertained until they were ready to take both to the hospital to be checked out. Luckily neither suffered grave injuries.
I don't believe I'll soon forget that girl's look of fear, as we tried to maintain our composure, of realizing what had just happened. I recalled thinking, "If I had only left my home a second earlier, I could have been in that spot." The fear of waiting to learn what her mother's injuries were, of how serious the accident was or was not. I remember that feeling fear and the adrenaline that surged through my body. That true sense of being afraid. We all have fear. We all live with fear. Some moments are as great (and unfortunately more so) than a car accident, or losing a job, or a friend, and many others.
As Moses begins delivering his speeches to the Israelite people on the border of Eretz Yisrael, he reminds the Israelites of when they succumbed to fear, and subsequently lost faith. The fact that this reminder is given at the beginning of the final book of the Torah, is an interesting one. As the "I" in the Bible here is changed from that of G-d's to that of Moshe's, he reminds us of our deviances but more importantly, reminds us of when we were afraid.
The preceding books of Exodus, Numbers and Leviticus are filled with moments when the Israelites lost their faith, when the fear of their apparent unsure fate overwhelmed them.As humans, it seems as no more do we have free will, do we unanimously enjoin fear in our lives. Whether it be fear of losing a job, losing a friend, or countless other phobias, we all experience fear. Perhaps we even experience fear as much as we do "free will." It may not be "car accident" level moments every time (Baruch Hashem that they aren't) but we all reach that plateau when being afraid, when that fear begins to filter even deeper into our thoughts and hearts.
Moses begins speaking and points out our history, where and when we have taken perhaps not the highest road available to us. He recounts the many times the Israelites lost faith throughout their journey from Egypt, and therefore, when I would offer: they encountered fear, doubt and despair. In his speeches and teachings in Deuteronomy, Moses constantly refers back to our past, and reminds us ways to grow from where we've come. Constantly we are reminded of our heritage and release (at G-d's hand) from bondage in Egypt. While walking towards the future, lying on the border of the land promised to ancestors Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, we are pointed to and reminded of our past, of our short-fallings.
However, while it's important to remember our past, Byrd Bagget, a motivational speaker reminds us to "Look at life through the windshield, not the rear-view mirror." The past makes us who we are, but sometimes it may hinder our forward progress. What I think is most important to draw from is to not let our past allow us to fear.
Fear is one of those things that we make a mountain out of. Just as we sometimes fixate too much on that rearview mirror, sometimes we focus too much on that mountain outside, that we loose track of our path. It isn't always easy to overlook the scenery, whether its the mountain that's been there, or its the one we've "created." But what's important is our ability to move past those mountains, to not only work past the scenery around us now, but to be able to look ahead: to find courage, even when our path is astray, or difficult to see.
It's easier said than done. Ask anyone, anywhere and I am sure you will find that we all have had those bridges to cross that were difficult and trying. But that's what life is! Rabbi Nachman of Bretslov is renowned for this quote:
כל העולם כולו גשר צר מאוד, והעיקר - לא לפחד כלל
Kol haolam kulo gesher tzar m'od, v'haikar: lo lefacheid klal.
The entire world is but a narrow bridge, but the key is to not fear.
Life is a difficult mess at times. We may suffer from multiple desires of the heart, a medical problem, a lack or loss of faith in G-d or in others, et cetera ad infinitum (too infinity). The key, as Nachman reminds us, is to not be afraid. Sometimes, it is difficult. Loved ones or ourselves face harm, we get hurt- physically and emotionally. I'll offer a perhaps an easier alternative: try not to fear. Try not to let fear overwhelm us. There are instances when immense fear can strengthen us, as in that car accident. But they key is to not allow it to impair our actions.
Life is a scary bridge at times. Some of us are looking down at whats below, or in the middle of that bridge, feeling it sway in the wind. Life is a "long and winding road" as Paul McCartney wrote it, surrounded by hills, valleys and mountains and other scenery. What we face is whether we will be moved internally by that bridge swaying, or the perhaps intimidating scenery we can sometimes place in our way. As Moses reminded us of our fear and our past, let us learn to remember where we've come from, but more importantly, remember where we are going, and how to get there.
I'll leave with a reminder from someone else as well, and a meditation from the prayer R'tzei, which asks for the acceptance of our worship.
Can I learn to question my doubts even as I have learned to mistrust so much that once seemed clear? I pray that my doubting spirit may learn to entertain hope. And I pray to become free: free to think my thoughts, free to feel, free to love, and free to praise and give thanks for life. May I make of my life an act of reverence- a prayer: the prayer that is its own answer.
Gates of Prayer: The New Union Prayerbook
Copyright 1971, The Central Conference of American Rabbis
The journey of life which we find ourselves on is not a straight line, and it isn't easy. What we strive for and yearn for, is to remain true to our beliefs, to our hopes and to one day find ourselves surrounded in peace.
L'shalom,
Sean S
